Have I mentioned to you how much I love having a theme-verb for each year? It has been such a blessing in my life both years I have done it and here’s why: I feel like both years have basically been like me saying, “Hey Heavenly Father, here’s what I want in my life. I wrote it down.” and He replies with “Great! Here’s what you want in your life. I’ll give it to you.”

And while that is really amazing, and has been such a glorious learning/growing experience for me, I feel a little bit like choosing “engage” as my word was akin to praying for patience. (You all know that is unadvisable, right?) Here are some ways engaging has changed me.

The biggest single change to my life this year was the birth of Helen. She is a fabulous miracle and blessing (and frankly, a very good baby), and I am so glad she is here. But her advent into the family has thrown my world upside down. Every new child is an adjustment, but for some reason having number 4 has pushed me past anything I have ever experienced before, as far as my day to day struggle to maintain life and sanity. I feel like this is the venue the Lord has used to teach me about truly engaging. We all know that there are good things without number for us to fill our time with; but as I have struggled so much to do very basic things (dishes, laundry, cleaning up, making meals, keeping food stocked in the house, etc.) I am realizing what things are really critical in the eyes of God. So, very little housework is done regularly, I basically never exercise, we do a fraction of the outings we were doing a year ago, and I’m not even spending all the time I’d like simply enjoying being with my kids. But I AM on track to finish the Book of Mormon before the end of the year. I HAVE somehow managed to increase my temple attendance. We ALWAYS have family scripture study and prayer. We DO fulfill our callings and try to minister to our assigned people. We DO have family home evening each week. And above all, my children DO know that I have a testimony of Jesus Christ as the Son of God, my personal Savior, and the Head of His restored church.

And so, really, what else matters? Right?

But that’s not all I’ve learned about engaging. Because while there are times in life when the fundamentals are all you need, the Lord didn’t intend for us to never enjoy the other good things in the world and exclusively focus on the essential. He also sent us here to glean every good thing we can from this life! So another lesson He taught me this year was the power of my own agency.
There are a few things in this life that none of us can control–for example we can’t really control when people die, or if people get sick or hurt, or what goes on in other people’s lives/society at large. There’s nothing we can do about those things. bummer. But the things that affect our lives the most are all within our own power. So if my life isn’t what I want it to be right now, I have a choice. Maybe I can’t change the fact that I am completely overwhelmed by life with 4 children. But I CAN change the feeling of being trapped at home in my catastrophe of a life by going and doing that one thing I want to do with my children. Is it ideal to look for Christmas decor carting around 4 children? No way. But, it was either that or sitting at home pouting that I don’t get to do what I want to do because I chose to have 4 kids. When Portia was the baby I did a lot of that pouting, and it was very detrimental to every part of my life, not the least of which was my mental health.

I don’t feel like I am quite able to describe this principle as powerfully as I have felt it at times throughout the year. But it truly is an amazing concept: that I get to choose what life I have! And I have also been taught that though there are some very strict rules for followers of Christ, there are approximately infinite choices as far as what you want your life to really look like. I used to sometimes be frustrated with the idea of seeking the Lord’s will for my life–as if He had a plan for me that I didn’t really get a say in, except for to throw the whole thing out the window and be miserable forever by following Satan. But I have realized this past year that instead of life being like a car ride where I am in the passenger seat and God is just driving me wherever He feels like I should go; it is much more like me driving the car with Heavenly Father in the passenger seat. I tell Him where I’d like to go and He tells me “Okay, here’s the best way to get there.” Either that or He tells me “No, going there will not be what you think it will be. Try going this other place. It has what you are looking for.”

The power is mine! The choice is mine! And as He has demonstrated by how much He supports me in my simple little yearly theme-verbs, Heavenly Father wants me to have these other good things! He wants me to have what I want, the things that I choose! That’s why He sent us here! So that we could choose our lives and how we want to follow His Son!  

It’s all just so exciting!

I’m very far from fully taking advantage of my own agency–I still have times where I pout about not getting to do everything I want to do, instead of just going and doing it, if with all the cuties. But I’m so grateful that because I made the goal to engage this year, the Lord has shown me that there is a better way and I have the power to choose it! And not only that; but that He will help me!

It has been a whirlwind of a year! And I’m very much looking forward to a new start in 2019! I’m 98% decided on my theme-verb for next year, and I’m getting excited!