Get ready for some raw personal thoughts. I wrote this entry in my journal the other day and I keep getting the feeling that I should post it here; so here I go. Please don’t hate me for the things I think and feel when I’m tired.

Here’s what’s up: Yesterday (this entry was originally written last Thursday, so this yesterday was actually last Wednesday) I said that I hate my life sometimes. I said I hate being a housekeeper, and the only thing that keeps me here (as a non-employed homemaker) is how much I love our kids. I want to be on the official record as saying I love my life. I find hundreds of blessings, freedoms, and other reasons to rejoice every single day I look for them. But recently, I’ve had that feeling again that I want to become something and I feel like I haven’t been doing it.

I believe–because of many hours of consideration and earnest praying on the subject–that Heavenly Father wants me to be a stay-at-home-mom right now. And I know that I would be sad if I didn’t get to be the one raising my children each day. I love them and DO love being their one and only during the day. And yet, I don’t want to be only a mother. I want to be something special and useful. I want to develop my own gifts and abilities in a way that will enrich my own life as well as the lives of others. I want to be an intellectually stimulating person. I want to feel like I have reached my greatest potential. And I believe Heavenly Father wants me to reach that potential, too. I just wish I could see how the things I’m doing now play into that.

The kids and I listened to the story of Joseph on Scripture Scouts today (Thursday) and it made me think a lot. When Joseph was sold into slavery he probably didn’t think it was a particularly good stepping stone on his way to reaching his full potential. He probably felt the same way about being thrown into prison for being chaste and obedient. But Heavenly Father had greater plans for Jospeh than he ever could have had for himself. He allowed Joseph to suffer some pretty hard things so Joseph would be where and who he needed to be to do God’s work and save multiple nations from starvation.

Thinking of Joesph’s story makes me think multiple things: If God has Joseph-like plans for me, then I’ll just stop worrying and try to live this part of the journey as well as I can so I’ll be ready in all ways when y time comes. But another thought is: it’s very unlikely that anything of Joseph proportions is in my future, which makes the now seem less like a stepping stone and more like a mud puddle from which I may never emerge. (Though–silver lining–I also am not likely to suffer like Joseph.) But: I have a testimony that God’s path/plan for me is the one which will make me the best I possibly can be. “Best” doesn’t mean famous, wildly successful, fabulously brilliant, or even having a nice career. “Best” means as much like Christ as possible.

Motherhood definitely helps one become like Christ. For example:

• Selfless service? check!
• Love beyond comprehension? check!
• doing enormous amounts of work for which you receive NOTHING? check!
• teaching? check!
• Being an example? check!
• Being ridiculed by the world for your righteous actions? check!
• Oh! and did I mention anything like giving everything you’ve got to those you love even though they take it all for granted? CHECK!

So, if reaching my full potential means becoming like Christ, I understand why the Lord wants me here. But I know that unless I trust in His stepping stones and do my very best no matter where I am I won’t be able to become what I need and want to be.

All that being said, I still don’t believe Heavenly Father wants me to stop trying to become something wonderful while I am caring for His priceless spirits. After all, there’s no limit to what I can become while at the same time becoming like Christ. And every time I pray I feel that my answer is always that I should be ALWAYS taking some kind of class. (For readers’ information, I have recently been taking ballet–though I have had a really long break–and will soon be taking tennis classes again. I have also taken interior design.) It just ends up being tricky to maintain my attendance with all the other things going on in our lives like extended family, plus church callings, plus trying to sustain our own nuclear family AND our marriage, plus whatever else comes up. But I know I feel less like I have this past week when I prioritize it; so I just need to recommit to it.

I know Heavenly Father wants me to be happy and content with where and who I am now. And I know He doesn’t expect me to do that with nothing to work with. And He hasn’t left me with nothing! He just needs me to actually follow through on His infinitely wise advice and counsel. (He’s probably tired of me coming back to Him over and over with the same concerns because I don’t do what He told me to do even though I can TOTALLY see the difference when I do.)

I want to, hereby, go on the record as saying I’m ready to trust the Lord’s path for me, truly make the most of it by following His counsel, and look forward to the day I see how everything worked together for my good and helped me reach my greatest potential.

On Friday night I was just about ready to throw in the towel on all parts of my life. I was totally exhausted (Carter had been up coughing all night Thursday night), I had been stressing out about Fay’s pictures for dance all day long, the house was a mess, the dishes weren’t done, it was all just bad. I know you’ve all been there.

But all the kids slept through the night that night! And I woke up to happy faces and snuggles from the family! Plus Josh didn’t have to leave at the crack of dawn! I felt like there might be some hope for my life!

We worked all morning on our yard–which was another thing I was ready to throw the towel in about–and by lunch time it looked like people actually cared about/for the thing! We had worked hard together (the kids are the cutest with yard work!) and it totally transformed my view of the world! We still had a pretty messy house; but the yard looked downright presentable, and it gave me hope for the rest of the house/our life.

After working hard all morning, we played hard all afternoon! We had lunch at Bell’s Deli (Seriously, check it out! Delicious burgers, fries, and cookies!), then we went shopping for summer clothes and pjs, then we went to Farm Country at Thanksgiving Point and saw baby animals as well as big animals, and Fay and Carter even got to take a pony ride!

After a day of working and playing in the sun, we were pretty wiped out, but it was a completely different kind of wipe-out than I was feeling on Friday night.  I’m so grateful for something as simple as Saturday each week that gets to heal me from the stress I allow to build in me each week. And it is so delightful that Sunday follows Saturday because that is another kind of healing which is just as wonderful and necessary.

My girl is FIVE years old today!!! I can’t believe it! And yet, I totally can. Because, did I ever not have Fay? But regardless of her age, I am eternally grateful for my beautiful, fun, exciting, adventurous girl!

Fay decided she wanted a friend party this year, and wanted a Disney princess theme. So I pooled all my creative juices to come up with some original party games and decorations and things so she could have a one of a kind party.  Just Kidding. I definitely just used the ideas I found on Pinterest. But Fay really liked it–especially having her friends and cousins there–and I think the other guests did too, and that is all that matters!

For our first activity, everybody got a crown to decorate and take home; next we played Snow White’s poison apple, which was the highlight of the party, I think; then we played apple toss for Maximus (from Tangled). And at the very end, all the princess attire was shed and the princesses just played in the backyard.

We all had a lot of fun!

For her birthday meals, Fay picked the exact same two as Carter: Chick-Fil-A for one and spaghetti and meatballs for the other. But she did pick a different cereal than Carter did, so that’s good. 🙂 Today, we did some presents, and some singing with cupcakes, and all 4 grandparents–plus an aunt and some uncles–came over to wish the birthday girl well! She got to party for two days straight!

Anyway, that’s what we did. Which is all well and good. But let’s talk about who Fay is right now.

Fay’s very favorite thing to do is color. She loves coloring books; but she mostly loves creating her own artwork. She drew a picture of a two-headed dragon on the driveway (with chalk) the other day, and I was quite impressed by the quality of the drawing! I also thought it was pretty cool that she thought of a two-headed dragon. I wonder where she got the idea…

Fay also loves just to explore whatever realm she is currently in, without interruption. She loves when we go to museums and such and she gets to just play in the water, or roam around the play-place, etc. She also loves to see what new, magical things she can find in the backyard, or at a friend’s house, or in the storage closets of our house.

Fay also loves to read! Her skills of reading on her own are definitely picking up thanks to her preschool; but she mostly loves to sit on my lap (!!!!!) and listen to me read as many stories as I have time to read. I love it!
Our Faymous also loves to help in the kitchen, and in the yard, and with whatever DIY projects we are doing. And she is a wonderful helper with Portia when I need to get something done and Portia is just making mischief.

Fay also likes to be silly. She loves singing silly songs at the table, she enjoys telling jokes (Her original jokes are pretty amusing, but not in the way an actually good joke is, if you know what I mean.), and she loves to be the center of our attention!

Things that Fay doesn’t like include (but are not limited to):

• Anything that takes her away from her play, such as grocery shopping, preparing to go to dance, and sometimes even leaving for a friend’s house. Play is the most important element of her life.
• Being left alone. I don’t ever leave her alone, but if ever she wanders away from me at a store or the library or wherever we may be, she panics if she can’t see me.
• Really loud sounds
• Being hungry. She will declare “I’m STARVING!!!” the instant she realizes she might like to eat.

I am seriously grateful beyond description that Heavenly Father gave me this exceptional girl! I’m grateful for everything she is and does right now in her life, and I look forward to watching as she grows and changes!

Happy Birthday Fay!