Today’s Sacrament Meeting was really special to me. I felt like the speakers each shared really deep, personal struggles they have dealt with or are currently dealing with and beautiful, profound insights on how the Savior and the Gospel have been their anchor and their support.
Portia rocking stroller life
And as I was listening, I felt like I needed to share some things I have been dealing with the past week or so, and how the Savior has been my support. And I mostly felt like I needed to share it with my missionary, Mary. So, this one’s for you, Mara-Nara!
Josh’s birthday morning! He is 30!!!
I am not proud to admit that I struggle with the same things over and over in my life. The Lord has taught me more times than I can remember about this subject, and yet here I am again fighting the same battle again. But again I have been struggling feeling my own worth/purpose. I have felt (and this is a non-exhaustive list) un-cool, un-fun, like I’m not pulling my own weight, and like I’m not becoming what I want to become. Though, I AM happy to report that I don’t believe this is mental illness talking here; it is just … Satan, really. So, maybe that’s not so happy after all.
For his birthday, Josh wanted the families to come over and put together our new playset. Thank you SO MUCh to everyone for all the help! Now you should all come play on it!
Anyway, enough with the sad part, let’s talk about the learning part! One morning I was thinking about this subject, reflecting on YOUR words, Mary, and wondering how I could look to God to find my worth. As I was thinking I was reminded of Fay’s kindergarten experience and Carter’s preschool experience. It became very clear to me on multiple occasions during this past school year that to their teachers my precious children were, at best, some nice, normal students in their classes. Sure Fay’s teacher thought it was kind of cool that Fay’s favorite books are chapter books. And Carter’s teacher thought it was dandy that Carter never caused any trouble in school. But that was it. I recalled thinking on those occasions, Wait! They clearly don’t get what’s going on here! How do they not see that Fay and Carter are truly the most excellent children in their classes, and possibly the whole world? And I want you to know that is GENUINELY how I see things. I really believe that if only everyone in the whole world knew my children like I know them, they would treat them differently. They wouldn’t be able to help loving and cherishing them.
She really IS this cute!
And again, it hit me. Fay and Carter, Portia and Helen, not a single one of them really does anything to benefit me. I mean, they don’t pull their weight in the family, they don’t make any extra money, or do super excellent housework or anything. And yet, they mean EVERYTHING to me. Not a single one of my children is anything close to perfect. They have faults, flaws, and idiosyncrasies galore. But I adore them! And even if they all decided to make every wrong choice; or even if they all became paralyzed and had severe brain damage and just became vegetables, I would never NEVER. EVER. stop loving them. I love them … BECAUSE. Because I just love them. That’s it. I loved them as soon as I knew they were coming to us, and there’s no way for me to ever stop loving them. Ever.
And somehow, even though I have heard this idea before, it hit me good and hard this time; and I actually believed that Heavenly Father could feel that way about me. I believed that maybe even Josh could feel that way about me. That maybe I am worth love and even adoration just because I am.
Josh helped the kids build this … contraption. It is a slide for dominoes to go down!
But it didn’t stop there! I realized for a few blessed, beautiful moments that every single person on this earth (even me) is a Fay, Carter, Portia, or Helen to Heavenly Father. He probably looks on His children and how they treat each other and wishes they could only see just how exquisitely precious each of His children is. That person who swore at you in the grocery store parking lot, Heavenly Father sees her heart and hopes with all His heart that you will understand that those words aren’t who she is. Who she is, is like He is. And she just needs time and love to ultimately reach that potential.
And, it was so cool! Because as I learned that, and got other pick-me-ups regarding my own performance (thanks Meg!), it didn’t make me feel complacent. It gave me strength and courage to try a little harder and also to be a little more satisfied with my efforts.
We had a delightful “Sabbath Day Spa” for the kids this afternoon! They all ate their cucumbers afterwords which made me quite happy!
Heavenly Father is so good! And I’m so grateful for His patient, tireless teaching, and also the wonderful people He puts in our paths to help us feel His love. I only hope that this time I can remember the lesson a little bit longer.
I love you, love your thoughts. ❤❤❤ It’s interesting for me to read your struggles because I always look at you with the highest esteem and admiration for the person you are. We certainly all have our own struggles, right? One thing I love about you is that you are always try to be better, learn new lessons, and make the world a better place. Thanks for your awesome insight!
Also, I love the Sabbath spa!!
I really like that term you used for how Heavenly Father sees us—”exquisitely precious.” That is perfect! And I think you’re so right about love being something that is beyond qualifications. For instance, I would say that I like you because you are kind and fun and generous and talented and thoughtful and caring and cheerful and uplifting and funny, but I love you because… just because I do. Because you are my sister. And I guess it really is profound that we are all brothers and sisters in Heavenly Father’s family.
Thank you for your wonderful post! (And I’m in love with the spa picture as well!)
Thank you so much for sharing this post. I loved it and needed it.
You are amazing, Elisabeth. You are smart and fun and deeply good and kind. I had so much fun with you at reunions growing up. It meant so much to me to spend time with someone who just got me completely. I lived gossiping and giggling with you, talking about books and boys. Your example of faithfulness changed my life. I actually told my boyfriend about it last night – how much it meant to me to watch you pull out a flashlight very late at night in the cabin, after the generator had already been turned off, to read your scriptures. How you said you tried to never go to sleep without reading at least a little bit. We read scriptures together as a family at home, and I heard at church all the time that I was supposed to read on my own, but that was the first I realized people actually really DID that. Or at least, that was the first time I realized that kids really did. And I realized then how much of a difference a good example can make. Seeing you do it made me want to too. I can’t remember now, it’s been so long ago, but I think that may have been what kicked off what has now been many years of (almost!) daily scripture study. Your blog is still having that same kind of impact on me. It helps to know that you are out there, struggling and loving and trying with all your might, keeping the faith. I have also struggled with self-worth at times because of my perisistant weaknesses. One thing I’ve learned to look out for is the self-loathing spiral – I hate myself for having weaknesses and then I hate myself for hating myself. How silly and ironic! So just remember – you have to go easy on yourself on multiple levels – first, for not being perfect, for ‘pulling less than your weight’ (which I don’t believe for a second), and second, for struggling with self-worth AGAIN, and third, for beating up on yourself for struggling with self-worth! And then again when you fail to follow all this unsolicited advice I’m giving you, lol. Anyway, I love you, you’re amazing, and you’re doing better than you think. I am constantly amazed by all the fun, creative things you find to do with your kids. The activities, the projects, the beautiful seasonal displays in your home – you are an AMAZING woman, disciple, wife and mother and I admire you. Thank you for the example you are to me <3
And whatever, ‘lisbeth. You’re totally cool.