Get ready for some raw personal thoughts. I wrote this entry in my journal the other day and I keep getting the feeling that I should post it here; so here I go. Please don’t hate me for the things I think and feel when I’m tired.

Here’s what’s up: Yesterday (this entry was originally written last Thursday, so this yesterday was actually last Wednesday) I said that I hate my life sometimes. I said I hate being a housekeeper, and the only thing that keeps me here (as a non-employed homemaker) is how much I love our kids. I want to be on the official record as saying I love my life. I find hundreds of blessings, freedoms, and other reasons to rejoice every single day I look for them. But recently, I’ve had that feeling again that I want to become something and I feel like I haven’t been doing it.

I believe–because of many hours of consideration and earnest praying on the subject–that Heavenly Father wants me to be a stay-at-home-mom right now. And I know that I would be sad if I didn’t get to be the one raising my children each day. I love them and DO love being their one and only during the day. And yet, I don’t want to be only a mother. I want to be something special and useful. I want to develop my own gifts and abilities in a way that will enrich my own life as well as the lives of others. I want to be an intellectually stimulating person. I want to feel like I have reached my greatest potential. And I believe Heavenly Father wants me to reach that potential, too. I just wish I could see how the things I’m doing now play into that.

The kids and I listened to the story of Joseph on Scripture Scouts today (Thursday) and it made me think a lot. When Joseph was sold into slavery he probably didn’t think it was a particularly good stepping stone on his way to reaching his full potential. He probably felt the same way about being thrown into prison for being chaste and obedient. But Heavenly Father had greater plans for Jospeh than he ever could have had for himself. He allowed Joseph to suffer some pretty hard things so Joseph would be where and who he needed to be to do God’s work and save multiple nations from starvation.

Thinking of Joesph’s story makes me think multiple things: If God has Joseph-like plans for me, then I’ll just stop worrying and try to live this part of the journey as well as I can so I’ll be ready in all ways when y time comes. But another thought is: it’s very unlikely that anything of Joseph proportions is in my future, which makes the now seem less like a stepping stone and more like a mud puddle from which I may never emerge. (Though–silver lining–I also am not likely to suffer like Joseph.) But: I have a testimony that God’s path/plan for me is the one which will make me the best I possibly can be. “Best” doesn’t mean famous, wildly successful, fabulously brilliant, or even having a nice career. “Best” means as much like Christ as possible.

Motherhood definitely helps one become like Christ. For example:

• Selfless service? check!
• Love beyond comprehension? check!
• doing enormous amounts of work for which you receive NOTHING? check!
• teaching? check!
• Being an example? check!
• Being ridiculed by the world for your righteous actions? check!
• Oh! and did I mention anything like giving everything you’ve got to those you love even though they take it all for granted? CHECK!

So, if reaching my full potential means becoming like Christ, I understand why the Lord wants me here. But I know that unless I trust in His stepping stones and do my very best no matter where I am I won’t be able to become what I need and want to be.

All that being said, I still don’t believe Heavenly Father wants me to stop trying to become something wonderful while I am caring for His priceless spirits. After all, there’s no limit to what I can become while at the same time becoming like Christ. And every time I pray I feel that my answer is always that I should be ALWAYS taking some kind of class. (For readers’ information, I have recently been taking ballet–though I have had a really long break–and will soon be taking tennis classes again. I have also taken interior design.) It just ends up being tricky to maintain my attendance with all the other things going on in our lives like extended family, plus church callings, plus trying to sustain our own nuclear family AND our marriage, plus whatever else comes up. But I know I feel less like I have this past week when I prioritize it; so I just need to recommit to it.

I know Heavenly Father wants me to be happy and content with where and who I am now. And I know He doesn’t expect me to do that with nothing to work with. And He hasn’t left me with nothing! He just needs me to actually follow through on His infinitely wise advice and counsel. (He’s probably tired of me coming back to Him over and over with the same concerns because I don’t do what He told me to do even though I can TOTALLY see the difference when I do.)

I want to, hereby, go on the record as saying I’m ready to trust the Lord’s path for me, truly make the most of it by following His counsel, and look forward to the day I see how everything worked together for my good and helped me reach my greatest potential.