I feel like so much is going on for us right now; and yet, we have so few pictures of what is going on. I think that is because a lot of what is going on is involved with our house hunt in Utah, of which we don’t have pictures because we have not actually been there at all. And the other reason I think is that I feel like a lot of what has been going on has been in my heart. Figuratively, not literally–I have no cardiac issues (at least none that I am aware of…). 🙂   In any case, I feel like I am going to indulge in a bit of personal reflection today.

The past couple semesters have been very stressful ones for our family. This past fall, Josh was working his tail off because of his enormous school-work load, and I was still getting used to having multiple children. This current semester, we have been through about 6 fairly substantial financial setbacks at the same time as we have been trying to figure out how to move our family across the country and get a place to live.  Despite all of these setbacks we are still feeling very blessed  because through it all, we have still never been in want. The Lord has provided just enough for every necessary step we have made. Things have coincided so perfectly that it  is undeniably the Lord’s planning!

And while we do feel very blessed, and we know that the Lord will provide for us as we continually strive to follow Him, I realize that my overall stress level is simply higher than I would like it to be. And the stress rubs off into other elements of my life. I feel like there are many things to which I can’t give the energy I would like. And even on days where I feel like I am able to give energy, I run out of energy for those things much sooner than I feel I used to (who knows, maybe I never had energy for some things). There are lots of times when I feel like I just want to check out of everything but the bare essentials of survival. But then I feel the Spirit telling me that, despite the extra effort it takes to even give effort to something, giving up is not going to make me happy. “‘Hanging in there’ is not a principle of the Gospel” after all. 🙂  And so, I keep figuring out new ways to try. I talk to friends and family who encourage me. I try to forgive myself for the times that I fall on my face. And most of all, I am trying to better understand the Savior’s power to carry me through the times where I am clearly not enough.

I have learned recently that patience is a beautiful principle of the Gospel! As I have experienced a lot of waiting and wondering the past few months, my mind has been drawn to my last big waiting experience–waiting for Carter to be born. This time last year, I was a cranky, impatient pregnant woman. I think about how I acted, and I am ashamed of myself. Heavenly Father has given me the ultimate privilege of bearing my own children, who are healthy and beautiful, and all I could do was whine about how uncomfortable I was and how hard it was that nobody cared that I was pregnant but me. (Embarrassing!)            So this year I determined to be better. I thought about what I was being asked to wait for, and what I had to trust in, and I prayed. I prayed and told Heavenly Father that I was going to be patient this time. I told Him that because I loved Him I was going to give Him my gift of patience.

But I very quickly learned that patience was not a gift that I was giving to Heavenly Father or Jesus. It was and is a gift that They have given to me! When I turned my heart to Them, They relieved me of my doubt and worry and replaced it with peace and faith. Do I still feel extra stress about stuff? Sure. But I remember what my impatient self was like and I know that, left to my own devices, I would make this experience a million times worse. And, honestly, I think that if I more fully applied the principle of patience to those “other” parts of my life I would feel even less stress!

Clearly, I’m not an expert in patience yet. But I am grateful for the privilege I have had to learn, once again, that the commandments that the Lord gives us–even the ones that just seem hard–truly are for our benefit. My choice to allow the Lord to help me be patient has brought me peace through some tricky stuff in my life. And because of that principle I have learned, it makes me feel like heeding the Spirit and continuing to try on those other things that I just want to give up on truly will be worth the double effort they take, AND that in the end it will actually be Him who gives the gift to me, not I to Him.

The Gospel of Jesus Christ is the most beautiful thing in this world! He is the answer to every problem that any person could ever encounter in life! I am grateful to say that I have a testimony of the reality of Jesus Christ and His sinless life, His Atoning Sacrifice, and of His Resurrection! It is an enormous privilege to have taken upon myself His name through my baptism, and to have made subsequent covenants with Him! I am grateful for His Restored Gospel and the knowledge that He directs His Church today through His Prophet, Thomas S. Monson!  These things are everything to me!

Happy Easter!